Hanging by a thread

I’m a rather introverted person. I like my own company and quiet time. I find most people to be draining, even those I love but I do get lonely sometimes.

I struggle to maintain friendships when most of the social obligations for women are way outside of my abilities and too often my friendships with men seem to end up with strings attached.

I wish it was easier for me to communicate, especially verbally but somehow between my head and my mouth the words get stuck and twisted and I struggle to convey what I mean. In that sense the advent of text messaging and the Internet has been a god send. I can interact with the written word without the fear that comes face to face.

So often in my childhood I was told that I was an embarrassment, that I was too old for my years. Too sensitive. I could never figure out what was wanted of me and so I was always terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing.

As I got older I came to realise that there was no right way. No way to earn praise or acknowledgment so I gave up. What’s the point in worrying about it if you’re going to be scolded regardless.

In this I do think boys have it easier. People just say “boys will be boys” and shrug but being a girl you’re judged badly if you’re outspoken, judged badly if you’re quiet. If you wear revealing clothes you’re a shut, dress modestly and you’re a prude. There comes a point when you realise you can’t avoid being judged badly so you may aswell suit yourself.

but it’s not so easy when it’s your family doing the judging. The urge to earn their respect and love is not something easily overcome. I still find myself trying now even with all these years proving to me What a waste of time it is.

I’ve seen so many people with the same scars as mine fighting to heal themselves of a legacy of neglect and psychological abuse, that is so often dismissed as “not, like, proper abuse” but I want to say, it was. If it hurt you, if it left you with scars and bad coping mechanisms it was. If you have to fight to hold your head up, it was.

And most importantly, I’m proud of you. You are breaking the chains that so many of us have been bound with.