Hanging by a thread

I don’t particularly like living with regrets. I don’t suppose anyone does. My biggest regret though has to be how much time I’ve lost to people who didn’t deserve it.

I don’t know if the Autism was part of it, but I was quite a late bloomer when it came to attraction and dating. I had a couple of crushes in my early teens but felt no need to act on them. When I reached 16 I started to feel very left behind by my friends and peers all of whom were talking about the people they liked or dating. So I began faking such feelings and interests even though I never felt any of it.

I was a virgin when I was attacked and raped at 19. I had never had an actual relationship.

This close brush with Death sent me down a dark path. I developed PTSD, was finally diagnosed with depression ( I’d been depressed for years but it was labelled “Teenage Hormones”). I felt broken. And it made all the ways that I was different from “normal” people feel so much sharper.

I started drinking more and behaving recklessly. Trying to Feel something else than the fear and anger and shame.

Unfortunately, as at any time you are weakened, the predators move in. They don’t come in baring their teeth and threatening, but whispering sweet words and gentle hands. Weaving a net around you until you are trapped. Only then does the mask begin to slip.