Hanging by a thread

Has started biting again. I am tired of the world today. I feel like a soldier that’s trapped in a never ending war. I can’t keep up with the demands life puts on me. And the people that are meant to come to my rescue are more interested in pushing paper around then actually saving lives.

I know we need to work to earn a wage to live but there’s some jobs you shouldn’t be allowed to do if you don’t genuinely want to help people.

For instance, you shouldn’t become a teacher unless you genuinely want to make a difference in their lives. Not just teach them how to do addition or whatever happens to be on the curriculum. The best teachers help their students grow as individuals, they are some of our first role models and have such an impact on the way we think about ourselves. It’s not a job that I could do. But it’s also not a job that should be given to people who just want a pay check.

Or Doctors. If you don’t want to help people but instead want the power and glory you shouldn’t be allowed near vulnerable people.

The one I’m struggling with is Social workers. Why become a social worker if you don’t want to help and support people? I’m only asking for them to do their job and yet you’d think I was asking them to give me one of their organs. I don’t understand it. I wouldn’t take on a job that I knew I couldn’t actually do. If you can’t care for people then why on earth are you in a job that requires you to do just that?

And so I’m back to trying to fight all my battles alone, with the added burden of now I’m having to fight the mental health team as well. I’m so close to just giving up. It’s only the thought of the children that stops me. I don’t want them to live with that burden but instead they’re living with this one.

26 years I’ve been fighting to stay sane. To stay alive. To not give in or give up. And all I want to do is scream. Scream and cry until there’s nothing left. But I can’t because if I give in to that impulse I’ll break into so many pieces I’ll never be able to put myself back together.

and so I cut myself into pieces instead.