Hanging by a thread

I struggle a lot with my weight. I have done since I was very young, having been bullied from an early age for being fat. It’s weird now to look back and realise that I was just a bit chubby with baby fat, not the kind of obesity that I believed that I had.

My mother had been very slender when she was young but had gained a lot of weight in adulthood. She hated the way she looked and was often very critical of other women who were carrying a few extra pounds. If they dared to wear something form fitting or short she would point them out calling them “brave to go out looking like that” and “didn’t they look in the mirror before they left the house?”

This combined with the critical way I was judged led me to have extremely low self esteem and a very negative view of myself. I started dieting pretty much as soon as I entered secondary school, joining my mother on her never ending quest to be the “right” size. I missed out on so much because I hated my body.

I eventually made it down to a size 10UK. And nothing changed. I wasn’t suddenly happy and confident and outgoing. I was a depressed, anxious slightly skinnier version of myself was all.

My teenage years were some of the worst of my life, between bullies, an alcoholic mother, a stressful home life amongst other things. My weight was irrelevant in all of this, but like a lot of people I found that food was one of the few things that was in my control. And eventually so was hunger.

I’ve never been able to figure out if it was a side effect of the trauma or a facet of my Autism but I no longer feel hungry. Ever. And I haven’t since I was in my late teens.

After I was raped I attempted to “get over it” with alcohol and food. A coping mechanism that I had been taught since early childhood. In part of my studies I found out that a lot of people who have suffered sexual assault or rape end up overweight. I certainly have.

I came to realise that I feel safer being overweight. And anytime I start to loose weight my anxiety spikes. I’m trying to find a way to reach a healthy weight whilst remaining mentally well but it’s not something I’ve managed yet.

Hopefully one day I’ll reach a point where I feel secure enough in myself that I can let such crutches go.