Hanging by a thread

Sadly, I’m starting to go down hill. Over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting the signs but unfortunately the mental health system isn’t set up to help those “heading towards” crisis but only those in crisis.

For me, My anxiety gets worse and my patience wears thin. My moods swing all around but the good periods get shorter and less good. The darkness gets deeper.

The intrusive thoughts become louder, that you are a failure, unwanted, weak. My attention span and concentration dwindle so distraction from the bad thoughts is harder and harder.

The panic attacks and flashbacks get worse. I can no longer breathe through then or push the images to one side. I start to desperately crave sleep as an escape but sleep is filled with nightmares that are flashbacks twisted by the unconscious.

I feel the weight of every time I’ve been through this bearing down on me. It’s like every time I crash the load I’m carrying gets a little heavier, so after almost 20 years just the weight of my own failures to be well is exhausting.

I do all the right things. I reach out to the doctors, the mental health teams, the people that are supposed to support me. I listen to all the rhetoric and “think happy thoughts” speeches as every day I get closer to the knife.

Closer to carving my own unhappiness into my skin.