Hanging by a thread

I really struggle with anxiety. It seems to come in so many forms and they all seem to require a different approach to handling them.

There’s the constant anxiety that I’m failing. Failing as a Mother, as a Woman, as a human being. The fear that something is going to go wrong, it’s not exactly paranoia but something close. Then there’s the specific fears that crop up, having a panic attack in public, having a flashback, that I’m not safe, that the children could be hurt, that the landlords will kick us out, that one of the dangerous people will find us.

Its never ending. And then people ask how I can be so tired when I’ve done nothing. Actually I’ve been trying to control my brain and emotions on this rollercoaster I seem to have accidentally boarded. You try controlling a run away cart on a track with just some breathing techniques and some meds.

To top it all off at the moment, the mental health team who are supposed to be supporting me are not. Since July of last year they’ve made one phone call and sent one email. That’s it. Out of the 400 issues I’m trying to manage the first 300 aren’t even supposed to be dealt with by me but social workers. And then they ask why I think I’m going downhill.

I’m caught in a trap I can’t find my way out of and I can no longer see the light.