Hanging by a thread

I find it hard to form meaningful relationships with people. Some have attributed this to my Autism, if you struggle with socialising it’s hard to get to know someone well enough, and let them get to know you, to form a strong attachment. Others say it’s my CPTSD, having huge trust issues isn’t exactly conducive to forming relationships. I’m not sure what the root cause is but the result is that I have very few people that I connect with.

A sort of side effect of this is that other people simply don’t matter to me. I’m generally ambivalent towards people I meet. But because of my own morals or code of honour I believe that I should treat people with respect and behave politely. This seems to confuse people into thinking I like them or that they have formed a connection with me. If they then act in a way I disprove of they’re shocked when I become distant or cold. I don’t understand this very well.

All this to say, I feel strongly for those I am attached to and nothing for those I’m not. But I can feel angry or disgusted by those who hurt the people I care for. I dislike those who hurt others or act in dishonourable ways. This seems simple enough to me.

Someone I dislike has become ill. I personally feel that this is Karma and that’s the end of my feelings on the matter. But I’m not allowed to say that as it’s not nice. I don’t understand why I have to be nice to someone who isn’t. People are far to confusing for me.

Should I feel guilty for hoping a piano would fall on this person and now they’ve fallen ill? I don’t get it.