Hanging by a thread

Today I’m struggling. I didn’t sleep very well last night, just tossed and turned with nightmares. The worst nightmares are the ones that are almost true. Your brain takes a traumatic event you experienced and twists it somehow. Maybe the location is different but the events are the same or it’s happening to someone you love rather than you and you have to stand helpless in the sidelines. It wasn’t bad enough that you had to go through it the first time you have to watch nightly revisions.

Then when you wake up the bad thoughts start. All the darkness you rry to keep locked in the boxes in your attic come creeping out . All the what ifs? It’s like when you have a sore tooth but you can’t help but keep poking it with your tongue. A psychological sore tooth. I can barely deal with functioning daily thoughts, what to make for dinner? do I need to put a wash on? Look at this horrifying thing from your past! Do we need more bread?
I don’t like the metaphor of a broken record, it seems to simplistic. You can change the record, turn off the music, you can’t stop your own brain. And it Never stops.

So today I feel sick and tired. The urge to self harm always gets worse on these kinds of days. The pain a numbing agent to the sore toothed mind. A way to carry on when you want to start screaming and never stop. I wonder sometimes why I bother. Maybe screaming would feel cleaner somehow than this constant suppression. A purging of the poisons of the brain. Except I somehow know if I start something essential will break. I’ll never be able to go back.

But sometimes I just want it to snap.