Hanging by a thread

I feel like I should start by giving some background information but I’m struggling to decide what would be important. I’m a middle aged woman with children. I’m single as I struggle with trust issues. I don’t want this to turn into some weird “dating Profile” type thing. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression a long time ago, but the diagnosis was changed to Complex PTSD some years ago now. I’m also Autistic, although I didn’t find that out until I was an adult. Looking back it explains a lot. Especially my teenage years. I also used to be a “Functional” Alcoholic, although I think the term functional is a gross overstatement. I also struggle with self harm. Both of these are such common coping attempts with these conditions though that I probably didn’t need to state them.

My life has always been rather complicated, mainly by me and my inability to understand people. I think that confusion is what led me to trying to study psychology, maybe an attempt to understand that which confuses me so much. I’m also trying to understand myself. We Humans are an illogical, strange bunch at the end of the day.

Due to so many attempts at therapy and counselling I’ve come to appreciate arts and crafts and meditation, although I don’t seem to have much skill in either area. And I’ve always loved to write. Poetry, stories, anything that my mind can create I’ve attempted to turn into words on paper. Can’t say I’m much better at that though.

Maybe I’ll post some of my drawings or stories over time if I feel comfortable. For now I’m just trying to journal my way out of this dark hole I’ve fallen into for the umpteenth time. I feel very lonely and isolated, having no one I can talk to about all the nonsense in my head without judgement or feeling like a burden is hard on me right now. I wish I had the ability to connect with people the way I see others do, but I can’t seem to figure out how to take of this mask so it all feels somewhat superficial, like I’m acting out a part in a play and it’s this “part” that people like, not “me”.